When I first thought of making my own public blog I had several ideas swirling in my head about just what it would be : A personal editorial, of sorts, laden with commentary about anything that I might muse over, say, on that half an hour walk to work. Why not? I've been wanting writing practice, and I'm always stuck in my head, making stories or analysing some nuanced aspect of the world or the human condition. Why not marry my aspiration to my quirk and give the world a peace of my mind? Sounded like a good enough idea.
But, alas, months, maybe years since it's initial conception, this blog is a dud. And why? :
1. I'm a perfectionist - Anyone close enough to me to know -if anyone- would tell you I hate putting anything out there unless I find it better than satisfactory, but damn good. I'm very particular about writing. At best I'm a plain Jane but I try so hard. Getting this clunk of wood off the ground would require me exposing my lacklustre, sub-par, deficient craft. I'm a big appreciator of great writing, if you have ever seen me delight and “fan out” at mere magazine articles and clap at the end of short stories - no one has seen this but believe me I do - for the “colour" in it's use of language then you would understand how my perfectionist and self-criticizing ways would stay my hand and have me rather not publish anything at all.
2. My middle name is procrastination - Yes, I steal my own time. Whenever faced with something new and uncomfortable to do with myself I put it aside.Why does it always seem easier to do work than anything thing that actually matters? To explain myself, I would (sometimes) rather do some arbitrary job than suffer the uneasiness and anxiety that comes with doing something I really want to do. For me this complex seems ten fold and is largely influenced by the factor that is number 3 on the list.
3. The mood is never right - Do you want to know an ugly truth that I’d never admit to anyone? I'm not self-motivated. Not in the least. If the mood isn't right, I'm not a doing it. It’s a common obstacle I've had to face most of my life. It’s something I'm still trying to overcome. But doing something like this just seems impossible If I'm not feeling it. Somehow I'll put in all for work or for others. But for for myself? Well...
4. Too many aspirations - too many mediocre talents and knacks I want to hone. At any given time there are several things I want to be doing with my life. Each taking up it’s own little time and more likely to get more time the easier it is to do. I wouldn't list everything here, but I also waste time on short fiction, learning Spanish, reading comics, getting a job - all of which I consider equally important, lol - among other things. Lots and lots of other things.
5. I work - and my work means I have little time, very little time, to sit and write about anything. I have one of those full time jobs that feel like a ball and chain dangling from your neck. And for the few hours of relief you get, who would want to spend it doing any other form of work? Who would want to spend it doing anything other moping around? 6. I don’t know where to start - or what to write about. That should be clear, since I decided to start by writing about why I haven’t written anything. But from time to time I do get ideas, but they disappear within a few hours due to the confounding concerns , events and distractions of the day 7. I never get anything finished - Those stories, that letter, those books, this blog, that tutorial : all unfinished. And at this point you may be thinking “mmmhmm and this list of 10 that stopped at 7”. Don’t be so judgy. In my defence a good 2 or 3 items in this list could have been split into 2 or 3 more if I felt like diverging much. But nah, I’ll keep it at 7 and leave 10 in the title for effect. It’s true however that I'm a starter and a start over-er but the combination of everything listed above just makes it that much more to finish. I'm sure one of those “positivity pushers” - that I dislike so much - would highlight that it’s better to get something started and do it little by little than not doing anything at all. I guess they must be right. But they don't as often mention finishing. Maybe they assume you’ll be consistent and finish eventually. They’d also tell me a list of 7 is better than no list at all.Okay then.
1. I'm a perfectionist - Anyone close enough to me to know -if anyone- would tell you I hate putting anything out there unless I find it better than satisfactory, but damn good. I'm very particular about writing. At best I'm a plain Jane but I try so hard. Getting this clunk of wood off the ground would require me exposing my lacklustre, sub-par, deficient craft. I'm a big appreciator of great writing, if you have ever seen me delight and “fan out” at mere magazine articles and clap at the end of short stories - no one has seen this but believe me I do - for the “colour" in it's use of language then you would understand how my perfectionist and self-criticizing ways would stay my hand and have me rather not publish anything at all.
2. My middle name is procrastination - Yes, I steal my own time. Whenever faced with something new and uncomfortable to do with myself I put it aside.Why does it always seem easier to do work than anything thing that actually matters? To explain myself, I would (sometimes) rather do some arbitrary job than suffer the uneasiness and anxiety that comes with doing something I really want to do. For me this complex seems ten fold and is largely influenced by the factor that is number 3 on the list.
3. The mood is never right - Do you want to know an ugly truth that I’d never admit to anyone? I'm not self-motivated. Not in the least. If the mood isn't right, I'm not a doing it. It’s a common obstacle I've had to face most of my life. It’s something I'm still trying to overcome. But doing something like this just seems impossible If I'm not feeling it. Somehow I'll put in all for work or for others. But for for myself? Well...
4. Too many aspirations - too many mediocre talents and knacks I want to hone. At any given time there are several things I want to be doing with my life. Each taking up it’s own little time and more likely to get more time the easier it is to do. I wouldn't list everything here, but I also waste time on short fiction, learning Spanish, reading comics, getting a job - all of which I consider equally important, lol - among other things. Lots and lots of other things.
5. I work - and my work means I have little time, very little time, to sit and write about anything. I have one of those full time jobs that feel like a ball and chain dangling from your neck. And for the few hours of relief you get, who would want to spend it doing any other form of work? Who would want to spend it doing anything other moping around? 6. I don’t know where to start - or what to write about. That should be clear, since I decided to start by writing about why I haven’t written anything. But from time to time I do get ideas, but they disappear within a few hours due to the confounding concerns , events and distractions of the day 7. I never get anything finished - Those stories, that letter, those books, this blog, that tutorial : all unfinished. And at this point you may be thinking “mmmhmm and this list of 10 that stopped at 7”. Don’t be so judgy. In my defence a good 2 or 3 items in this list could have been split into 2 or 3 more if I felt like diverging much. But nah, I’ll keep it at 7 and leave 10 in the title for effect. It’s true however that I'm a starter and a start over-er but the combination of everything listed above just makes it that much more to finish. I'm sure one of those “positivity pushers” - that I dislike so much - would highlight that it’s better to get something started and do it little by little than not doing anything at all. I guess they must be right. But they don't as often mention finishing. Maybe they assume you’ll be consistent and finish eventually. They’d also tell me a list of 7 is better than no list at all.Okay then.
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